My First Ayahuasca Ceremony Part 2/4

The Past Lives:

I have gone to see psychics every couple of years since my teens. We have a long line of mediums and psychics in our family on both sides, but it was always treated as a hushed family secret, a ‘fun fact’ that was kept quiet, except for the moments where my Mum would casually walk into the room with a cup of tea and mention “Don’t drive down X road tonight on your way home, there’s going to be a fatal accident” and sure enough, there would be. Though we’d never have the chance to broach a conversation of depth — beyond the whispered ‘it’s a gift and our ancestors were punished for it ’ — my mum would book us psychic and tarot readings. Even at our acreage in England growing up, we’d regularly have local witches and hippies knocking on the door, asking for permission to gather mushrooms (I realize what type of mushrooms now) in our forest, and leaving us little gifts. I grew up never thinking anything odd of it, just a fun magical gift I too wished I had. As I experienced out of body moments and lucid dreaming as a child, I never even saw that as something worth noting, until, of course, coming back from Ayahuasca I began to note down every element of the metaphysical I’ve ever experienced in a quest to understand what was happening.

A Word of Caution Before Reading The Great Loss

I had some hesitation writing the next section because it may feel like a heavy read. I want to preface this. The next section wound up being one of the most profoundly healing, freeing moments of my life that has released immense built up sadness and pain in my body, but I had to go into it to go through it.That is true of any suffering.

My Story Won’t Be Your Story

Part of me wonders if I should share mine, because I hadn’t read much on others’ journeys. I wanted to go in totally unbiased, open and accepting without preconceived notions of what it may be like. That being said, I think that sharing my story may help others who are out there googling, exploring and do want a truthful, honest account. Especially the warriors who carry much buried in their psyche, both at the surface and below in the cavernous depths, locked away for the sake of operational effectiveness and mission success.

Dealing with the Ultimate Loss

Upon silently mouthing “yes” the journey resumed. All of a sudden my back engulfed itself in a ball of fire and pain. I rolled around on the mattress alternating between child’s pose and the fetal position as the Shaman held me through it, her warm hand on my back and a steadying energy emitting from it. My body in the 3d room began to shake, then convulse, and then it became utterly racked with sobbing.

Did All of That Really Happen? The Morning After…

The next morning, I laid in an outdoor chair. I simply laid there trying to wrap my psyche around the journey. the Shaman came over to me and over tea we discussed the massive amounts of energy that I had apparently moved the night before. Being entirely new to this entire journey and completely uneducated, I had no language to put around what had happened. Was it normal?! IS this a thing?! WTF! WTF! WTF! I remember trying to get some coconut water in me and remembering that the night before, at moments, I couldn’t figure out what my face was! The conversations the next day were extremely helpful to begin to help me logically understand what had happened. Obviously, on a soul level I inherently trusted and understood the process, but my rational scientific brain is still alive and well. As a researcher and analyst type, I do need this. I need to read research journals, I need to satisfy the intellectual curiosity. I need to go read books and put a container of understanding around his with the wholly inadequate English language.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store



A professional coach, integrating her Ayahuasca / Daime / Kambo Experiences & spiritual awakening.